January 2012
(403): You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn’t lose you if you went pee in the dark.
(641): My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
(309): Let’s not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
December 2011
(580): I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
(509): Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
(734): this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card.
(651): I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt.
(281): Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I’m gonna get laid. She’s by far the coolest sister you have.
(316): Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call…
(609): Just put your hair in a bun. We’re going out to drink, not to impress people.
(641): you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on…running with dumb cunts.
(512): There are so many Jimmy John’s employees here
(1-512): Where are you?
(512): Jimmy John’s.
(928): I’m sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn’t partying. Its sad.
(483): Just had the moment before I realised I’d packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I’m a dick doesn’t she?
(304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar.
(734): If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
(313): I can’t wait for paintbang. I’m going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don’t use it on beer.
(754): Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I’m buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
(347): When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards.
(319): Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped.
(306): The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It’s glorious.
(210): im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
(912): There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
(912): Do you need my fax number or something?
(303): The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I’m leaving you.
November 2011
(695): it was like a congratulatory penis slap.
(215): Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there…..
(609): She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
(561): I’m sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table…this is a new holiday tradition.
(360): she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box… im in love.
(519): I don’t really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
(708): Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
(904): Look if you’re not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I’m going to fuck your sisters.
(817): There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
(717): Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat.
(512): ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
(404): Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it.
(203): We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We’re allies, right?
(780): Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses.
(608): We’re going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They’re uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
(845): Well the police had to intervene and I couldn’t exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I’d say it was a successful Friday night.
(401): I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce.
(217): Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
(203): You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
(508): Did it finish?
(732): Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
(413): Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn.
(717): He just showed up at my house and was like “have you seen an axe laying around?” he wasnt wearing any shoes.
(614): We’re not in high school anymore. I’m not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
(+27): i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it’s an awkward vomit. come find me please.
(302): A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made.
(714): the back of my hand read, “say no to drugs.” my palm read, “say yes to shots.” when the fuck did I write that?