January 2010
(651): This is my last and worst hangover of the decade…I almost cherrish it
(304): i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
December 2009
(412): Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
(203): im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
(616): you googled “nude photos of celebrities you wouldn’t expect to have nude photos”, puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
(714): im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
(901): god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
(816): Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
(832): Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
(214): So Delta doesn’t take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
(828): Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt’s penis was…
(717): just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
(419): somehow writing ‘not a skank’ on yur boobs doesn’t really make you look less skanky…
(415): Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There’s blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
(856): unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
(504): how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
(781): At chipotle, there’s a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i’m going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
(423): i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
(443): Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
(978): you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
(610): Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
(509): Everyone is in jail. I’ll see what i can do though
(904): She just used a chaser for red wine.
(315): My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
(914): you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
(443): do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
(828): I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
(503): I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth’s purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
(314): The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night…in order.
(571): She refers to my dick as princess Sarah… oddly I’m okay with that.
(630): I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons….
(1-630): which icon did you use to tell him he’s not the father?
(757): sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he’s carrying…
(289): I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
(647): It’s sore actually
(252): Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
(203): too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
(541): you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing….?
(818): I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
(804): he’s having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments …
(256): Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we’re doing thursday night.
(707): drunk doesn’t even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he’d already called dibs.
(954): I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
(+07): tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
(352): if i remember New Year’s Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
(301): just dd’d my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
(423): he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn’t see without his glasses
(608): margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year’s eve thursday
(778): Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
(325): Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on…
(803): Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
(586): Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven’t watched porn today…I believe Pavlov now.