February 2010
(818): Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It’s magical.
(716): you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
(317): eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped… it totally helped.
(360): on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
January 2010
(586): at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn’t prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool….
(215): what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
(1-215): 6 min
(908): So I’ve officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
(805): You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
(845): tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
(240): I really hope I’m not the first person who’s had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
(630): i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
(774): all she kept saying was “harder” “mayo” and “who are you”
(206): is the shake weight an appropriate valentine’s day present?
(513): Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
(510): I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall…
(419): her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
(443): hows a nice way to say “yeah i would go to your dorm, but it’s snowing and I know you’re not going to blow me, so what’s the point”?
(614): she said she’d get any tattoo I wanted … so she’s getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I’m the Einstein of doggy style
(615): I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you’d want to know.
(802): He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
(203): i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
(608): I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
(402): Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
(406): As it would turn out, “jesusssssss” is not the password to enter Faith Chapel’s wifi network.
(925): I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
(815): i woke up with a grocery list signed by “the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out”
(248): I’m eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It’s like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
(203): I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said “remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother.” What the hell did you do to me last night?
(949): she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing “i have the golden ticket.”
(949): little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
(262): I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
(817): well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
(781): I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
(623): everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
(818): I only make drug deals in a British accent. It’s my way of making sure it doesn’t get too sketch.
(310): and then she yelled “im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me”. so ya thats how i lost my virginity
(660): I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
(720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said “chaser.” This cant be real life.
(608): Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to ‘slap chop’ him.
(206): You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the “ducks fly together” speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack…quack..
(502): Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
(914): he just fed my chickens on farmville…i guess that’s his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
(203): is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
(204): When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
(1-204): When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
(204): I just feel like it’s time to start counting wednesdays as well…
(315): he asked me if i wanted “a hit” off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
(314): When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
(248): she did the YMCA with her lgs… i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
(252): Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
(919): Are you talking about my vagina?
(406): i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
(254): Do you ever just KNOW it’s gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a “just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse” kinda way?
(626): Let’s create a 16 and pregnant drinking game