December 2010
(678): Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again.
(302): this must be what syphilis tastes like.
(203): My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I’m staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
(206): I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I’m certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
(905): If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you’d feel violated too.
(204): You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
(801): i must of done something right to please the booty call gods… maybe fucking that fat chick?
(210): I just told you I can’t. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
(425): You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap.
(732): His idea of a compliment is: ‘you’re cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I’d do it,but I’d pay more attention to you.’.
(317): Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
(513): i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
(337): Saw a sign earlier “Domino’s Lava Cakes $3.00” and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don’t need to know about your sex life.
(617): mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it’s not awkward anymore.
(316): The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
(808): you’re the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech.
(336): christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms.
(847): u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends.
(302): just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i’m moving to the beach.
(508): I’ve hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester…I feel like I’ve failed already.
(610): The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
(410): Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up.
(907): I don’t know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
(805): He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I “electronically cheated” and then passed out.
(601): we’re on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
(815): Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
(904): naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don’t think it’s a good idea.
(207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
(603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
(415): Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila.
(612): Yep we found him face down in my sister’s bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard.
(506): I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I’m going to give her my number.
(703): high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
(970): i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan’s “i wanna dance with somebody” you left on my voicemail.
(719): tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
(727): Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs.
(937): Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
(248): Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how’s your morning?
(512): I don’t think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
(832): I don’t care that you fucked her. I’m offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
(919): Using ‘equal to a modern day cock block” in term paper, inappropriate.
(818): Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob.
(248): i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you.
(484): he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car…
(561): Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
(847): He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
(905): I was just “that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by”.
(256): No. He just yelled “youre having one more orgasm!” So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
(615): They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled “gargoyle me” for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
(503): Let’s just cut to the chase. I’m not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
(846): he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.