January 2011
(240): and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
(773): I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon.
(319): Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don’t touch him, he’s in god’s hands now.
(207): She looked at it and said “your dick is like the golden gate bridge.”.
(248): after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup.
(574): 2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don’t get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home.
(574): im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven.
(541): you smelled like vodka, i think that’s why my grandma liked you.
(507): So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
(902): Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
(646): It’s like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it’s gummy bears and instead of milk it’s vodka.
(563): I need to make a ‘no kissing’ rule for my casual hookups during cold season…this cold is so not worth it.
(334): I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn’t let me.
(928): note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea.
(843): I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I’m pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
(360): I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
(917): They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating “I give to you a cat” and “Are you drunk?”.
(805): Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
(678): Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
(309): Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
(501): One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he’s drunk enough that it shouldn’t hurt until tomorrow.
(414): Dude she was 62…with a boob job. And I’m proud to say I made out with that.
(404): considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband… I’m sure you can figure that one out.
(303): I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
(815): Of course I’m hard in the pics. If there’s a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it’s biggest.
(616): Turns out I wasn’t throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
(330): i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i’d made a poor decision.
(517): All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog’s bowl. I just couldn’t stop.
(704): She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
(732): You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa.
(863): Good lord, they’ve set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
(661): Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
(717): if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it.
(773): Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
(262): Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.