December 2011
(580): I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
(509): Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
(734): this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card.
(651): I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt.
(281): Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I’m gonna get laid. She’s by far the coolest sister you have.
(316): Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call…
(609): Just put your hair in a bun. We’re going out to drink, not to impress people.
(641): you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on…running with dumb cunts.
(512): There are so many Jimmy John’s employees here
(1-512): Where are you?
(512): Jimmy John’s.
(928): I’m sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn’t partying. Its sad.
(483): Just had the moment before I realised I’d packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I’m a dick doesn’t she?
(304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar.
(734): If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
(313): I can’t wait for paintbang. I’m going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don’t use it on beer.
(754): Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I’m buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
(347): When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards.
(319): Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped.
(306): The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It’s glorious.
(210): im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
(912): There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
(912): Do you need my fax number or something?
(303): The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I’m leaving you.