textsfromlastnight.com on your dashboard

(641): you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on…running with dumb cunts.

(512): There are so many Jimmy John’s employees here
(1-512): Where are you?
(512): Jimmy John’s.

(928): I’m sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn’t partying. Its sad.

(483): Just had the moment before I realised I’d packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I’m a dick doesn’t she?

(304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar.

(734): If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.

(313): I can’t wait for paintbang. I’m going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don’t use it on beer.

(754): Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I’m buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.

(347): When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards.

(319): Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped.